This month's Featured Mom is Tricia Greenlaw
I was quite surprised to be chosen for this month’s featured Mom. Thanks to Judi for the honor. I am the proud mother of Tyler (nearly 9) and Angel Isaac (forever 6 months) I am a Registered Nurse at a Level I Trauma Center working on the Kidney/Liver Transplant Unit. At the time of Isaac’s death I was also a CPR instructor (one more thing God seemed to align in my life). As I am writing this it is 12 hours away from the time I found my angel 2 years ago, so I think I will share with you the happenings of that unforgettable day.
Isaac was born January 27, 2006 and was a healthy boy. The night of July 24 that same year I gave him and his big brother kisses good bye as I left for work not realizing that would be my last time seeing him alive. I worked all night as charge nurse & subsequently got out of work a little late. Meanwhile my husband had returned home from work at about 1am- Isaac was asleep in his crib and all was well. At 3 o'clock Mark gave him a bottle.
Upon returning home around 8:45 I went to check on him before climbing into bed. All I could see of him was his lower legs and feet- they were mottled and blue- the rest of him was wound up in his fitted crib sheet. I screamed for Mark to call 911 and immediately unwound him and began CPR. I was unable to get air to move but my nursing brain and my mother's heart wouldn't give up despite the gurgle I was getting instead of air return. All logic went to hell as I sat there frantically trying to resuscitate him. The part of him that had been covered by the sheet was still warm so somehow despite the glassy eyed look I was seeing when I looked into his eyes, I out of desperation, as a shock coping mechanism continued until paramedics arrived convinced I could get the "warm blood to circulate back to his legs"- I knew better and in hindsight I think I knew at that point he was gone but refused to give up. The poem God's Lent Child was already beginning to creep into my mind. The EMS arrived very quickly and he was rushed to Strong. I prayed aloud the entire way in the ambulance as I fought back the nausea.
The wonderful nurses and docs in the Peds ED worked on him briefly and then announced to us that he was gone @ 9:34 A.M. on July 25th 2006. My world seemed shattered and like all the air was sucked out of it. Friends, family, and our church pastors all came to the Peds Trauma bay to see him and support us. We held him 6 hours there until we began to notice physical changes that indicated he wasn't simply sleeping. Of course we were questioned by the police and the medical examiner as answers were sought just like any other investigation into a death. His death was ruled positional asphyxia as a result of entanglement in the fitted crib sheet. It was estimated his time of death was anywhere from 5 minutes to 3 hours before I got home at found him. It takes a healthy infant 3 minutes to suffocate, and once they get a layer over their face they can become unconscious sooner than that. I still struggle with guilt and millions of what if’s- what if I wasn’t charge nurse and got out late, what if I hadn’t stopped at the corner store on the way home, what if I was at home instead of work- would I have heard him?
Now we spend our time keeping his memory alive and promoting crib sheet safety. On his 1st Angelversary we did a news interview to make people aware and did a day full of 78 Random Acts of Kindness, as well as hung up some awareness ads at pediatricians and some community boards. This year we put a ¼ page awareness ad in the 3 editions of the Pennysaver that will go to 52,000 people’s homes. We take some comfort in knowing that Isaac's heart valves went to 2 babies at Strong Hospital and his cord blood stem cells provided key success in the study of a drug for the treatment of myeloid leukemia.
Don't take chances with your loved ones- it could happen during a nap or even if you place the infant in the crib while you run to the bathroom. Spread the word about fitted crib sheets and the dangers they pose if they slip off the corner of the crib mattress while the child sleeps and rolls in his/her crib. Get Quick Zip Safety Sheets at www.cloudsandstars.com (more convenient) or Stay Put Safety Sheets at www.stayputsheets.com (a sheet designed by a mother who lost her son the exact same way I did).
My road of grief has been going through significant ups and downs, like any others. Initially I was in shock and cried frequently but did remarkably well and felt like I was getting tons of messages from my Angel Boy. 5 months into it the holidays were upon us and I had lost my drive to celebrate anything. I began to encounter horribly malicious behavior and words from co-workers that ultimately landed me taking a month off of work on a mental hygiene recommendation from my doctor around the 11 month mark. The 13-19 months I did pretty good, but dealt with rollercoaster emotions on any given triggered moment and while undergoing fertility treatment after having my tubes reversed. Unfortunately that has yet to be successful. The last 6 months I find myself challenging my faith, feeling isolated, easily angered, genuinely bitter, and feeling like I have a profound gap on the inside. I am working through it best I can. What I think has occurred is that the December following my son’s death I felt God tugging me to go back to college to pursue my Bachelor’s in Nursing- simply as a stepping stone from my Associates to get me to my Master’s. I thought sure- it would give me something productive to do to keep my mind busy. The problem came when I was halfway through the program, my stress level was maxed out, my son Tyler had another intestinal obstruction and a cancer scare, and I was beginning to anticipate the “end” of my fertility treatment per the doctor. Then I graduated (with a 3.93 GPA I am proud to say) and initially I was like, “Phew!” but slowly the having no deadlines left me with my undealt with thoughts. It’s kind of like postponed grieving, or as if all the things, thoughts, and feelings I “shelved” because I had no time for- have crept forward.
In closing, allow me to thank you for first reading my long winded article and second, a million thank you’s to all you strong, generous, and loving Angel Mom’s for your past and continued support. I truly love you all and feel like I carry a little piece of all of you and your angels as I trudge on through life.
You can visit Isacc by clicking here: www.isaac-greenlaw.memory-of.com
I want to leave you something.
Something much better than words or
sounds. Look for me in the people
in some special way.
Let me live in your heart as well as
your mmind. You can love me most
by letting your love reach out to our
loved ones. By embracing them
and living in their love.
Love does not die, people do.
So, when all that's left of me is love,
give me away as best you can.
- Unknown -
Retreat 2008 In July there is an Angel mom retreat and this is my 6th year to go. It was in the beautiful state of Washington in the mountains. The cabin was beautiful setting in between some mountains. I was so excited to see my Angel mom sisters . We talk about our angels show pictures and watch DVD's of our angels . We went to a beautiful little town of Leavenworth, it is a Bavarian village on the east edge of the Cascades, they have some really cute unique shops. It's like something you would see on tv just awesome!There was even snow at the very top of the mountains. We also went to some fruit stands and looked at the apple orchards. At the balloon release we drove almost to the top of a mountains and you could see for miles and miles. We filled up our balloons and wrote messages to our angels and listen to 2 beautiful songs sang by Angel mom Krista she recorded. (Thank you Krista) It was so emotional and beautiful at the same time seeing our balloons going into the sky and feeling our angels were right there and going to catch them.I look forward to every year seeing my sweet Angel mom sisters. I love you all. Cant wait for next year!
Thank you Angel Mom Karen for showing us your beautiful state.
Last month was the Angel Moms retreat and I was lucky enough to be able to attend again. It was so good to be with my friends, to be able to laugh, to cry, to sit and have long talks, share memories, broken hearts, joke, have fun and feel free. Retreat was held in Washington, such a beautiful place, snow topped mountains, quaint villages, a beautiful cabin to stay in. We went sight seeing, shopping, went to a bar b q and went on a hay ride, rode on a kids cow train, we visited a cemetery and left flowers on the graves of other children, visited Karen's angel Jason's resting place, had a balloon release, visited a flea market, an orchard, but most of all we spent time together and bonded even closer. We shared our angels and our hearts, I felt like I was with my sisters. I don't think it matters where we meet, what matters the most is being able to be together and spend time with each other. Not only do we share our memories, we make memories, memories that help us get through the hard times. Our angels are very much a part of retreat, they are talked about, pictures and videos are shared and sometimes they even send us signs to let us know that they are with us. I feel like these trips are mine and Shane's trips, this is something I do for me and him, it's our time. Each year I look forward to seeing old friends and meeting new ones. Retreat is an awesome experience, I encourage those of you who can go, to do so, it is an experience you will never forget. Thank you to all the moms who made retreat so special this year. I am already looking forward to next year, and hopefully I will see some of you there!
It is August, and the weather is hot, the days are still long and lazy, and the summer is flying by. In just a few short weeks, my surviving boys will be heading off to school, one to 4th grade, the other to kindergarten. As I look at the lists of school supplies, and begin to think about school clothes, homework, and hectic schedules, I also think of what is missing. Of course it is my angel Zackary. He most likely would have started preschool this year. Because he was born with Down Syndrome, he might have needed a little extra help through his education, but I was really looking forward to the challenge. I know he would have loved things like picking out things for school, like a special backpack. And he would have been so excited to go to school like his big brothers. It’s just another one of the things in life that reminds me of what I have lost.
There are moments like that for all of us – things that seem so routine to everyone else, become painful reminders to moms like us. But I’m glad that we have each other to get through them. I am sending you all lots of love and hugs to help get you all through all of your moments.
Another Angel Moms retreat has come and gone and after seven consecutive retreats, I have to say again that I am anxiously awaiting the next one. This year we had a beautiful cabin in Leavenworth, Washington with mountains all around, breathtaking views and no lack of places to shop! During the past seven years I have met some of my nearest and dearest friends and we have continued some traditions and started new ones. We have a small gift exchange that is not required, but it seems like everyone always wants to participate and we all go home with a wonderful assortment of keepsakes. They don’t have to be expensive and lots of times are home made but every one comes from the heart. A new tradition started last year is putting flowers on children’s graves in the local cemetery. This year we happened to meet a mom visiting her son who had been a police officer and was killed in the line of duty. We enjoyed a BBQ and hayride, visited open air fruit stands and an antique mall to name a few outings. Of course the one activity we do without fail is our balloon release. We found a gorgeous spot toward the top of the mountain and sent our rainbow of colors to heaven with the help of the angelic voice of Zackary’s mom, Krista who sang on tape for us “On Eagle’s Wings” and “Amazing Grace”. It is always an emotional time at retreat but this year was even more so, but so special. Thank you Krista! It was another unforgettable time and I highly recommend it for all moms no matter what stage of grief you are in. There is the opportunity to share as much of your story and your angel as you want without being judged or avoided as so often happens in our every day lives. It is a renewing, rewarding and fun experience and I hope to see all my old friends as well as new ones in 2009!
After July 4th, It’s All Down Hill
My uncle always says that. I guess we all look forward to summer so much, that by the time you get the hang of the season, the kids are heading back to school. This year, my baby, Matt, will be heading off to the University at Buffalo for his first year at college. This is a 9 hour car ride away, so I can’t sneak up there and surprise him. Dorms open on August 21, so it truly will seem like the shortest summer on record to me.
I have so many hopes for him. I probably am being too greedy to expect that they all will happen, but you always want the dreams of the ones you love to come true. There are times that I think life owes my family, since Mike didn’t get that far on his own road to manhood. Matt has had two surgeries since May 20th on his fractured ankle. He is walking now without crutches, the hives are subsiding from the allergic reaction he had to something connected with the last surgery-not sure what-and we can begin to focus on the pounds and pounds of considerable stuff that teenagers today take to college. I went with a popcorn popper! Now, they have laptops, refrigerators, cell phones, iPods, iHome, remote controls for the flat panel TV’s, and Matt is trying to convince me that an electric griddle and a coffee pot are a necessity. I don’t think the rooms are any bigger since my days at school and the amount of stuff seems considerable.
It is hard to let go, but in letting go we truly free them to come back. My nest is not “empty” with Chris still at home. I am well on my way, however. I am secretly hoping that my Angel Mike goes to school with Matt and keeps him safe or helps him study or just listens to him when he is lonely and homesick.
I really hope that most of all!
Diana's Memory Lane
Through sharing our memories
It keeps our children alive.
With each special moment remembered
They help us to survive.
As we walk down memory lane,
We always keep them near.
For they are the ones we will never forget.
The ones that we hold so dear.
Written by:Zana Maxwell-AngelMom to Alex
alexchristopher.memory-of.com
KEEP MY MEMORY
Keep my memory with you,
For memories never die;
I will be there with you,
When you look across the sky.
I will be there in the clouds,
In the birds that fill the air;
In the beauty of a fragrant rose,
You will find my memory there.
You will feel me in the tenderness,
Of a tiny baby's touch;
You will hear me if you listen,
In the twilight's gentle hush.
When your hearts are heavy,
And you feel that you are alone;
Just reach down deep inside of you,
For your heart is now my home.
I will always be with you,
I will never go away;
For I will live on in your hearts,
Forever and a day. Allison Chambers Coxsey
This month Angel Mom Shirley is sharing her memory of her Angel Pat with us. Thanks Shirley!
Hi, My name is Shirley and I lost my son, Arthur Patrick Jr. He was called Pat from the day he was born. He left us Feb. 4, 2004 at the age of 42. His memories are many. As you well know, we never forget, we just take it one day at a time. I remember the first day that I hadn’t thought about him and I felt so guilty and then I remember something my mother always told me. Life is for the living so it is okay to go on.
His Name Was Pat
He was born in the fall
It was such a happy day
So perfect was he and oh so small
God, why did he go away?
Such a good baby was he
Hardly ever did he cry
7 months old it turned out to be
He was burned so badly
We thought he would die
As a young seven year old
The baseballs would fly
At nine he learned to fish
God, why did he die?
Camping we would go
He had so much fun
Fishing and swimming
God, he was my only son
At the young age of fifteen
He started to work
For the rest of his life
His duties he never did shirk
His driver’s license at sixteen
Made him happy as could be
Bought his own car
So everyone could see
He married very young
Only nineteen was he
At twenty a dad he did become
A beautiful baby girl was she
Later he had a son
And he was so proud
That was when he knew
He had a won
He loved the Miami Dolphins
Also the Sacramento Kings
The Giants was his baseball team
He liked so many things
There was never too much money
But he had so much wealth
Friends and family that loved him
Like bees to honey
He left us at such a young age
We don’t know why
We will miss him every day
Why oh why did he have to die?
This is my story of Pat
My son was he
He was the best
I’m so very sure of that
Please God, take care of him
As I know you can do
Of this I’m sure
You wanted him with you
Please send Memory to dianaandharold@bellsouth.net
Thanks Diana
The Sudden Death Of A Child
When death comes without warning, the shock and disbelief can be overwhelming. It is never in the natural order of things for a child to die before his or her parents, and this can be especially intense when the death is sudden and/or violent. There is no opportunity to prepare, resolve misunderstandings, or “say good-bye.” Life for the parents and siblings is changed forever, often in an instant, and it takes time for the reality of what has happened to sink in.
Shock
This is often the body’s first response to news of a sudden death. The shock presents itself much like a blow to the “core of one’s being.” A paralyzing sense of the surreal may be present, even allowing the immediate family to almost function normally, to go through a memorial service in relative calm, and to seem unable to express their grief in any visible way. This is part of the body’s natural defense mechanism, and it can take days, and most often weeks, for the bereaved to comprehend emotionally what has happened.
Part of this process is often an intense desire to know where the spirit of this child has gone so quickly. Religious beliefs are often challenged, questioned, and sometimes strengthened in the long run. Bereaved parents want to reach out for a “sign” from their child, and can be highly susceptible to the power of suggestion. Sometimes people resort to alcohol or drugs, which may provide temporary numbness, but often lead to unhealthy depression and profound loneliness.
Guilt
Guilt about what might have been done to prevent the death is also normal. Parents feel their job is to protect their child, and the “what if’s,” “why didn’t I’s,” and “if only’s” are natural, but should not lead to self-blame. No matter how irrational these feelings, it is helpful to talk them out, sharing with family and particularly nonjudgmental people who have been there such as members of The Compassionate Friends.
Keeping a journal can help express what it would have been like to say good-bye, to address unfinished issues, and to say things left unsaid. Eventually, the burden of guilt and need to blame oneself will move from being a main focus of grief to a level of acceptance that many tragedies in life are not preventable or foreseeable.
Accepting the Reality
As the reality of the death settles in, intense anger at the injustice and deep anguish at the realization that the loss is “forever” are normal. Anger might be focused on those responsible, on God for not saving the child, or on anyone or anything. There are often yearnings to be with the child. Discussions with other bereaved parents and siblings can help the newly bereaved to understand they are not alone and they are not “losing their minds.” Many families say that one of the most difficult things is to see the world go on when the child or brother or sister is gone. So it is important to find special ways to remember. These remembrances can be as simple as including the child’s name often in conversation, telling stories about the child, making a special memory album, or even holding special family memorial gatherings to remember and honor the child.
Reorganization and Reinvesting in Life
While each person’s grief is as different as the individual, through this process the family learns to live without the child and the emptiness this absence brings. Complete recovery is a myth. Bereaved family members gradually put their lives back together again, but never truly “get over it.” They will never have the same lives they had before. The family “unit” is changed forever. There is a place at the table forever unfilled. Families need both short- and long-term support when the death of a child comes suddenly. Some might also need support in dealing with the fear that something tragic is going to happen to someone else.
The hurt slowly changes from intense pain and a focus on the death event to warmer memories and a commitment to lead lives in honor of the dead child and in a way that would make that child proud. Some people create memorials, set up scholarships, or become advocates to correct injustices related to the death. These are all constructive, representing some “good” that can come from the tragedy.
As time passes, many who find support and friendship through The Compassionate Friends also find it helpful to stay active in the organization by “giving back.” One of the best ways to receive continuing support through the bereavement process is to help other families just starting on their grief journey. Each person, though, must search for meaningful ways to give life a new sense of purpose. Families must, in diverse ways, create meaning out of their tragedy, integrate the loss into their own lives, and reinvest in love, work, and living.
The bond with the child, brother, or sister will never be broken, because the love that has been shared will always remain.
------
©2007 The Compassionate Friends, USA - All rights reserved
www.compassionatefriends.org
For instructions, click here: Dragonfly and Bumblebee Projects
For instructions, click here: Kitty Angel Decoration
Acts Of Kindness
The Act Of Kindness Award will be given to an AngelMom that was nominated for their kindness and thoughtfulness. It will not be a contest, it is "Thank You" kind of award. Anyone can be nominated. If someone has touched your heart by doing something special, please nominate them by emailing Loni. There is no exclusions, everyone is included. We will list each member that has received an Award.
Angel Mom's Acts of Kindness
Chocolate Brownie Cups Recipe
20 min | 10 min prep | 48 brownies
1/2 cup unsweetened applesauce
1 teaspoon vanilla
8 egg whites, only
2 cups sugar, in the raw
1/2 cup flour
1 teaspoon baking powder
1 cup unsweetened cocoa powder
2 teaspoons instant espresso powder
1 teaspoon salt
1/2 cup miniature semisweet chocolate chips
Preheat oven to 350 degrees. Thoroughly mist two 12 cup nonstick mini-muffin tins with cooking spray or use paper liners. Mix the applesauce, vanilla, egg whites, and sugar until well combined in a large mixing bowl. Add the flour, baking powder, cocoa, espresso powder and salt. Stir until just combined and smooth. Using half the batter, fill each muffin cup until just barely full. Sprinkle half of the chips evenly over the top. Bake 10-12 minutes.
Transfer the pans to a rack to cool for 5 minutes. Using a knife, gently remove the brownies from the muffin tins. Let cool another 10 minutes.
Cupid Kisses Cupcakes
The cupcakes are almost like red velvet cupcakes but then they are filled with cream & topped with a 'kiss
Cupcakes
1 1/4 cups sugar
1/2 cup melted margarine
2 medium eggs
2 1/3 cups self raising flour (cake flour)
6-9 tablespoons best quality unsweetened cocoa powder
1 teaspoon baking powder
1 teaspoon cream of tartar
1/2 teaspoon salt
1 cup milk, mixed with
1 teaspoon vinegar
2 tablespoons red food coloring
1 teaspoon vinegar
Filling
300 ml whipped cream
You can also dust with icing sugar or cocoa or candy sprinkles
In a large bowl, beat the sugar, margarine & eggs until creamy. Add the food colouring, milk mixed with vinegar + the other tsp of vinegar & set aside. Into another bowl, sift the dry ingredients. Slowly add the wet ingredients to the dry, mixing very well to incorporate.
Line bun / cupcake trays with paper cases & carefully fill 1/2 - 3/4 way full. Place in oven.
After 14 minutes, turn the tray around then continue cooking for 4 minutes. Check they're done with a toothpick & allow to cool on the side. Once cooled, cut a circular piece out of the top. Fill the hole with whipped cream. Take the circular piece & cut in half - place on top of the cream to look like a kiss!
Some Links To Share
Angels Among Us
Memory Bears
Memory Angels
If I Had My Life To Live Over
There is a sacredness in tears. They are not the mark of weakness, but of
power.They speak more eloquently than ten thousand tongues. They are
messengers of overwhelming grief, of deep contrition and of unspeakable love.
Washington Irving
Memorial Donations
In Loving Memory Of
Angel Moms Newsletter-August Printable Version
If you have something you would like included in next months newsletter, please e-mail Judi
Editor: Judi,
Staff: Diana, Karen, Krista, Lynn, Laurie, Holly, Linda
Angel Moms Web Site
