This month's featured mom is Brenda Atteberry
Thank you all so much for the honor of being Septembers AngelMom.I am mother to my wonderful daughter Dawn who is turning 30 on October 2 and my sweet son, Angel Scott who will be 24 forever. I am Grandmother to cute, fun and fast Logan who is 13 months, and I also have the priviledge of being a 'like mom' to my niece Dee who was born 12 days after Scott and Gamma B to her 2 adorable children, Beau (turning 4 on September 26 and Gracelynn Scott who will be 15 months soon.) I have the greatest husband in the world, Chris, who is step dad to my kids. We have been together for 15 years and married for 13 years. He is my third hubby (gasp, how did that happen LOL, third times a charm?) and the best of the lot!
I am a Colorado native, born and raised in the foothills outside of Loveland, Colorado and was lucky enough to raise my 2 great kids there, we moved to Longmont (30 miles south) about 8 years ago as my husband had gotten a job in Denver and it was closer for him. I babysit my grandson Logan (he is the best medicine!) while my daughter works and have had my own candy wrapping and basket business for about a year and a half.
I have a wonderful and blessed life except for one thing, my son Scott passed away on April 28, 2001. Scott was in an accident about 1:30 pm that day and we were at the hospital by 2. The ambulance had him at the hospital by 1:50, 2 doctors started to work on Scott to stabilize him and address the internal bleed they felt he had. The head ER doctor came in, told them to stop that they would ship Scott to Denver by helicoptor. The doctor told us at 2:30pm that the helicoptor was already called and never mentioned the internal bleed, he said Scott would be in surgery for about 5-6 hours and home in about 3 weeks. Chris and I started talking about how we would get a hospital bed etc for his return to our house.
I was able to see Scott for about an hour before he passed, no one was working on him, they were only monitoring him and letting him suffer in extreme pain. He would go in and out of consciousness and when he would look up at me with his big brown eyes I would tell him 'I Love You' and we are all heading to Denver soon, that he would have surgery and be home in 3 weeks. He couldn't speak because of intubation but he would look around at me and the others then go in and out of consciousness. One time when I told him I love you, he shook his yes at me and a big tear rolled out his right eye and down... I will never forget that moment. The helicoptor arrived at almost 4 pm and when Scott was loaded out he went into cardiac arrest from exsanguination on the helicoptor before they could even take off. The doctor had to be called out and he sauntered back my husband and me and said 'well now I guess I have to operate on him' ... he acted like we had ruined his afternoon. Scott was pronounced dead at 5:17 pm that day... I miss him every day, most of every day...
We found out since then that Scott was unstable but not critical when he came in, a bed side blood stat at 3:32 pm showed that he was unstable and life threatening bleed out. The doctor called for the helicoptor at 3:43 pm... 11 minutes after Scott showed life threatening bleed out and an hour and almost 15 minutes after he told us they had already called for the helicoptor. After having all the records investigated it was found that Scott would be alive if the doctor had done a laparoscopy and renal artery clamp. It is believed that the doctor didn't want to treat Scott because he had just changed jobs 30 days prior and didn't have any insurance coverage at that time. The hospital he was sending Scott to takes indigent patients. We are in the middle of taking the doctor to court, Scott should've never been treated this way and I don't want any other family to lose someone because of this doctor.
I found AngelMoms about a month and a half after that and I really don't think I could've survived if it wasn't for Judi, Debbie, Deb, Gigi and Coone who were some of the first ladies I met.(please forgive me if I forgot someone from the beginning) I have gotten to know so many many more wonderful moms since then, unfortunately for the same tragic reason I came here too. I did drop off line for awhile after the first year Scott passed, I was suffering from severe depression and just trying to fight it, I then got some medications and it did help with the the severe depression, I still miss Scott everyday and talk to him all the time, but medication isn't ever going to take away my longing for my son, as we all know.
Even tho I miss him, I know that Scott is doing well and I will see him again, till then, my days with my loved ones here are numbered and I know that I shouldn't waste a one of them. When I see Scott it will be a wonderful reunion and I can't wait to get one of his big ole bear hugs :oD
Scott's Page
~Heartstrings
A mother's love knows no bounds,
No stronger bond can be found,
Mother and child are connected from the start,
There is a string from heart to heart.
Nothing can break this heartstring,
No matter what the future may bring,
A mother loves her child forever,
The heartstring holds them together.
It is a love of the sweetest kind,
There is nothing more beautiful you will ever find,
And even death cannot break this bond,
It knows no earthly ties, it is here and beyond.
We are connected to our children forever by this love,
Even when God calls them to his home above,
Nothing can change this love, not time, nor words or even death's bitter sting,
We are connected forever by the "HEARSTRING"
by: Judi Walker
copywrite: July 7, 1999
There are so many times that we have all come into contact with people who believe that if we would just move forward and not think about our child who has passed that our life would be 'the same' as before. We all know that just isn't possible and I was thinking how losing my son is like losing the piece of a jigsaw puzzle. Think about it, you can still put the puzzle together, just like we are still alive. There are many many pieces left of the puzzle, like the loved ones still filling our lives with love. But no matter how hard we could try, the puzzle will never fit the same... Sure we could try to cut a new piece to fit in the space but it won't fit the same as the piece we lost, just as when we decide to go on living our new life without our child it never 'fits' the same as before. We could even buy a new puzzle like the one we have but the piece wouldn't fit because it was cut at a different time than the one we have.
The jigsaw puzzle will always be missing a critical piece, it's still a puzzle and can still be put together but we as mothers know that there will always be that one beautiful piece missing.
All I Ask Of You
by F. Kelderhouse
Don’t tell me you know how I feel,
You haven’t walked in my shoes.
Don’t tell me I have other children to love,
That won’t bring back the son that I lost.
Don’t tell me to get out of the house,
Maybe I just want to stay here and mourn for my lost son.
Don’t tell me it will get better,
From my point of view it will never be better.
Don’t tell me it could be worse,
How much worse than this could it be.
Don’t tell me to trust in God,
I do trust in Him and love Him,
That won’t bring my son back
Don’t tell me to eat and take care of myself,
Maybe the food won’t stay down.
Maybe I don’t care about myself right now.
Don’t tell me to try to get some sleep,
Don’t you think I would love to sleep?
Don’t tell me all this,
You haven’t walked in my shoes.
Do tell me you care.
Do tell me you love me.
Do tell me you will be there if I need you.
If I need to just talk to call you.
Or better yet, you call me.
Just listen, that’s all, just listen.
Do let me cry.
Do let me mourn.
Do let me experience this
terrible loss that I feel.
Do pray for me.
That is all I ask.
Blessed are those who mourn; they shall be comforted. Matthew 5:4
I guess one thing that make us so in tune with others is that we have lost and we know how hard times are afterwards. We also know that we cannot make it all better for someone else after they too have lost a loved one but we always want to reach out and do something. I found this site and liked this idea, I think next time I am in need of such a gift this is what I will do. The site has many articles on it in Remembrance, so please check it out.
A Remembrance and Comfort Bouquet
By Brenda Hyde
A very touching Remembrance and Comfort Bouquet can be made from herbs and flowers to express our feelings of loss. It can also serve as a gift of comfort for someone who may have suffered a miscarriage, loss of a baby, a parent or other loved one.
You will need:
Thyme sprigs
Rosemary sprigs
Calendal or pot marigold
Raffia for tying,
Gather together the thyme, rosemary and calendal into a bunch. You can either tie with raffia for hanging upside down, or you can tie loosely for placing in a vase as a bouquet. Either way works well. Attach a card with this written inside: From my heart, I am bringing you:
~Thyme for courage to see you through a difficult time.
~Rosemary for remembrance of (insert the name of the person or child who passed away or "your baby")
~Calendal for the raising of your spirits and joy as you heal.
If you cannot find calendula you can also use pink roses which you would substitute in your note:~Pink Roses for thoughts of happiness as you heal. The same theme can be used to make a simple wreath using fresh or silk flowers, with a grapevine wreath as a base. Tie the gift card to the wreath and wrap in a pretty box with tissue paper. This a special gift of remembrance and comfort that can convey what we may have trouble expressing during a time of loss or tragedy to someone we care about.
About the Author Brenda Hyde is a freelance writer, editor and mother of three, living in Michigan. She gave birth to her daughter Emily after two miscarriages and 9 long months of worry, anticipation and joy.
For more Family Remembrance features visit our Index.
Our Surviving Children and Their Pain
Each month it seems when it is time for newsletter and I try to ponder on what to write, something is going on in my family here at home and I think maybe, just maybe, it might be going on in someone else's too and it might be a good idea to share. Maybe it is a sign from above, don't know...... I have 2 surviving children. Jake is now 16 1/2 and Brittany is 14 1/2. They were 6 & 8 when Josh took his life in 1996. Jake is Josh's biological brother. Brittany is my stepdaughter (but legally she is mine). I came across an email from one of Jake's friend, one of those questionnaire type emails, where you ask all kind of questions, and I skimmed thru it. Yeah, being a nosy Mom....:) I had never done that before (I swear!). Must have been meant for me to see this one because on one question was "if you could meet anyone dead or alive who would it be," Jake's answer was "my brother, cause I would like to know who he was." Instantly, my heart broke all over again. Here was my son, my quiet, reserved son saying what I have never heard from him before. He is my child that gets me Tylenol when I have a headache, fills my glass with fresh tea, pats me on the shoulder saying "it will be okay Mom" last week when a bird crashed into my windshield. Yet, he can't talk to me about his brother. Oh I know he has his own pain, believe me I know that, but it really hit me last week. It got me really thinking about this sibling loss and their feelings. I have shared with a few of you privately regarding this and I appreciate your inputs. I have realized that our surviving children must feel so lost, so scared, and feel that a huge part of them is gone also. I can't imagine that pain. I know they have seen us at our weakest of points, and that is not right either. No child should have to see what they have had to see out of parents. I know we are different parents now also. I know I am. I am much more protective. I am also much more panic stricken also when it even comes to disciplining my children. I lost my son Josh to suicide, so my fear is angering my children now to the point of I freeze up practically. Thank God my kids are good, I don't know what I will do if and when one of them has a real situation to get out of. I hate all of this. It is so unfair. I want to be there for my son Jake and share with him all about his brother, but can I without losing it and I know that is not what Jake wants nor needs to hear. Our children have been cheated also. Cheated out of relationships that they deserved. Cheated out of a future. My son will never have his brother stand beside him when he marries. He will never hold a niece or a nephew of Josh's. Sometimes maybe we get so engulfed in our own grief, we forget theirs. I don't want that to happen here. I am going to try to open up to Jake. I hope he opens up to me....maybe with time...... In the meantime, I have been searching the Web for some answers. Jennie, Judi's oldest daughter and Shane's sister, had started a Siblings Left Behind group. It is like our group, except for siblings only. Here is the link to it. Siblings Left Behind
I also have found some other information pages. One really good article is at:
Surviving The Loss Of A Sibling
Others:
Helping children cope with the loss of a sibling
Loss of a Sibling Grief Resources and Books
LookSmart - Directory - Grieving About the Loss of a Sibling
The other day after finding out that I had lost a child and how, a lady told me I was very brave. I asked her why she thought that and she said because I had lost my son and in such a horrible way, yet I was going on and surviving. I just gave her a little smile and said oh ok. There was not enough time to tell her what I really wanted to say and I doubt she would have really understood it anyway. What I would have like to have told her is this: I am not brave and in the beginning, I did not consciously decide to survive and go on, as a matter of fact I didn't think I could. It was just something I did because I didn't know what else to do and because I had others depending on me. Now I am doing it for those same reasons, plus I know now it is what I need to do and I know it is what Shane wants me to do and because I want to. I am surviving because....I have Jennie and Laurie, Shane's twins Krista and Kristen, I have my wonderful (most of the time) husband Mike, my mom, family and friends. I want to survive because I enjoy life, yes it has pain and it is not as it was before, but it is still a good life. I still have so much to live for, so much to share with my family and friends, I want to hold Jennie and Laurie's children in my arms just I did Shane's. I want to see Mike's hair turn completely gray and sit together on the porch rocking and sharing memories of the past. And I know at the end of all of this, Shane is waiting for me with a hug and a smile on his face saying "You did good Mom."
So I am not surviving because I am brave, I am surviving because I need to and I am living life because I want to.
Following Footsteps and Blazing New Trails
In August, my son Matt embarked on a two week bike trip in Vermont. We had been planning this trip for over a year. Initially, it was to be four weeks around Niagara Falls with Ian, a friend from school, however an invitation to play soccer in Italy usurped those plans. We then shifted gears to a two week bike trip on Cape Cod. Ian shifted to eight weeks at sleep away camp. Matt has never been to Cape Cod, and I thought this would be a fun trip. There are no mountains on the Cape. However, the two trip leaders cancelled and we switched again –this time to the Vermont trip. Matt had already done a one week bike trip in Vermont when he was 11, so while he was happy to be going, this trip was neither Niagara Falls nor Cape Cod.
We drove him to the camp headquarters in Massachusetts on a Sunday. We hugged and then he was gone and we were heading back to New York..Mike had taken such a bike trip at the same age and I was concerned that Matt was trying to follow in his brother’s footsteps, down to the last step.
As an AngelMom with two children younger than my Angel Mike, I have pondered how my children are grieving. I want each of my children to carve their own path, with some acceptable overlapping with their lost sibling. However, I don’t want my younger two trying to fill in the blanks for me by trying to be Mike. This sometimes is a delicate balance.
The first call home was tearful and I was convinced that this trip had been a mistake. Mike had never cried. Call two and three were pretty much the same. Call four was much different. Matt told me what a great time he was having and how great the kids were. I told him that I was concerned and wondered why he had cried. He told me that he was unprepared for how much he missed us. I almost cried myself. He found on this trip independence and confidence that I had hoped for. He may have decided to take this trip because of Mike’s experience, but this experience was definitely his own.
So, I will continue to worry, but maybe with less intensity. After all, they are new trails for him!
Good luck with getting all of the kids back to school. It is a time of very mixed emotions.
How to Support Grieving Parents
By Paula J. Wart
More than 225,000 infants, children, teenagers and young adults die annually in the United States. Additionally, out of an estimated 4.4 million confirmed pregnancies, there are more than half a million miscarriages, 29,000 stillbirths and 39,000 deaths under one year of age.
"Parents who lose a child need family, friends and their community," says Donna Roehl, executive director of The Pregnancy and Infant Loss Center. "It is often difficult to know how to be supportive. Whether the loss is early in the pregnancy, at term or after a child is born, the grieving process ensues."
Unfortunately, many family and friends don't know what to say or how to comfort their grieving loved one.
What Not to Say
Grieving parents don't want to hear why you think the death happened and they don't want you to try to "fix it" for them. Here are some examples of phrases to avoid:
*"It must have been God's will."
*"At least he isn't suffering."
*"She's in heaven" (or some other better place).
*"I know how you feel."
*"God never gives you more than you can bear."
*"It's time to move on."
*"It's good you have other children to lessen your loss."
*"Are you trying to have another child yet?"
*"You should get counseling."
*"Do you feel better yet?"
*"Don't let your children see you cry."
In the case of a miscarriage, here are a few other phrases to avoid:
*"At least you know you can get pregnant."
*"The baby probably would have had some sort of birth defect."
*"It's for the best."
*"It really wasn't a baby... they abort fetuses older than it was."
What to Do
It's easy to tell you what not to do, but how can you be helpful to parents grieving the loss of a child?
*Encourage them to talk about their loss, even months or years after the child's death.
*Cry with them.
*Honor the memory of the child; remember the child or pregnancy fondly.
*Offer to help with daily activities — grocery shopping, provide cooked meals, clean their house, or do yard work.
*Know you have limitations. You can be supportive, but a person's recovery depends on their dealing with their own emotions.
Things you can say:
*"I'm sorry," and then be silent.
*"I care about you. How are you feeling?" then really listen as they reply.
*"I remember how special your child was..." and share a specific memory.
*"It's not your fault."
Acts Of Kindness
Acts of Kindness for May were presented to:
Eydie M. by Pattisue Reilly
The Act Of Kindness Award will be given to an AngelMom that was nominated for their kindness and thoughtfulness. It will not be a contest, it is "Thank You" kind of award. Anyone can be nominated. If someone has touched your heart by doing something special, please nominate them by emailing Debbie. There is no exclusions, everyone is included. We will list each member that has received an Award.
Angel Mom's Acts of Kindness
Published: Friday, July 30, 2004
Suicide -- the misunderstood death
Fr. Rolheiser's annual article on suicide
By Rev. Ron Rolheiser, OMI
Death is always painful, but its pains are compounded considerably if its cause is suicide. When a suicide occurs, we aren't just left with the loss of a person, we're also left with a legacy of anger, second-guessing, and fearful anxiety.
So each year I write a column on suicide, hoping that it might help produce more understanding around the issue and, in a small way perhaps, offer some consolation to those who have lost a loved one to this dreadful disease. Essentially, I say the same things each year because they need to be said. As Margaret Atwood once put it, some things need to be said and said and said again, until they don't need to be said any more. That's true of suicide.
What's needs to be said, and said again, about it?
First of all that it's a disease and perhaps the most misunderstood of all diseases.
We tend to think that if a death is self-inflicted it is voluntary in a way that death through physical illness or accident is not. For most suicides, this isn't true. A person who falls victim to suicide dies, as the does the victim of a terminal illness or fatal accident, not by his or her own choice. When people die from heart attacks, strokes, cancer, AIDS, and accidents, they die against their will. The same is true suicide, except that in the case of suicide the breakdown is emotional rather than physical -- an emotional stroke, an emotional cancer, a breakdown of the emotional immune-system, an emotional fatality.
This is not an analogy. The two kinds of heart attacks, strokes, cancers, breakdowns of the immune-system, and fatal accidents, are identical in that, in neither case, is the person leaving this world on the basis of a voluntary decision of his or her own will. In both cases, he or she is taken out of life against his or her own will. That's why we speak of someone as a "victim" of suicide.
Given this fact, we should not worry unduly about the eternal salvation of a suicide victim, believing (as we used to) that suicide is always an act of ultimate despair. God is infinitely more understanding that we are, and God's hands are infinitely safer and more gentle than our own. Imagine a loving mother having just given birth, welcoming her child onto her breast for the first time. That, I believe, is the best image we have available to understand how a suicide victim (most often an overly sensitive soul) is received into the next life.
Again, this isn't an analogy. God is infinitely more understanding, loving, and motherly than any mother on earth. We need not worry about the fate of anyone, no matter the cause of death, who exits this world honest, over-sensitive, gentle, over-wrought, and emotionally-crushed. God's understanding and compassion exceed our own.
Knowing all of this however, doesn't necessarily take away our pain (and anger) at losing someone to suicide. Faith and understanding aren't meant to take our pain away but to give us hope, vision, and support as we walk within it.
Finally, we should not unduly second-guess when we lose a loved one to suicide: "What might I have done? Where did I let this person down? If only I had been there? What if ...?" It can be too easy to be haunted with the thought: "If only I'd been there at the right time."
Rarely would this have made a difference. Indeed, most of the time, we weren't there for the exact reason that the person who fell victim to this disease did not want us to be there. He or she picked the moment, the spot, and the means precisely so that we wouldn't be there. Perhaps it's more accurate to say that suicide is a disease that picks its victim precisely in such a way so as to exclude others and their attentiveness.
This should not be an excuse for insensitivity, especially towards those suffering from dangerous depression, but it should be a healthy check against false guilt and fruitless second-guessing.
We're human beings, not God. People die of illness and accidents all the time, and all the love and attentiveness in the world often cannot prevent a loved one from dying. Suicide is a sickness and there are some sicknesses that all the care and love in the world cannot cure.
A faith response to suicide should not be horror, fear for the victim's eternal salvation, or guilty second-guessing about how we failed this person.. Suicide is indeed a horrible way to die, but we must understand it (at least in most cases) as a sickness, a disease, an illness, a tragic breakdown within the emotional immune-system. And then we must trust, in God's goodness, God's understanding, God's power to descend into hell, and God's power to redeem all things, even death, even death by suicide.
Oblate of Mary Immaculate Father Ronald Rolheiser is a specialist in the field of spirituality and systematic theology.
Quick & Easy Chicken
6 skinned and deboned chicken breasts
1/2 cup green pepper or celery
1/2 cup onion
2 14 oz. cans chopped tomatoes
1 pkg. taco seasoning mix
1 cup long grain rice
1/2 cup flour
1 tablespoon seasoning mix
2 tablespoons oil
Heat oil in frying pan; coat chicken with flour and seasoning mixture; fry for 15 minutes on low; add all the rest of the ingredients, cover and simmer on low for 20 minutes.
http://www.worldfamousrecipes.com/quick-meals-recipes.html
Some Links To Share
Love Stands
Angel Whispers
If I Could Choose
Keepsakes by Monique
I Am Not Gone Framed Print by Terri McPherson
Like a bird singing in the rain,
let grateful memories survive
in times of sorrow.
~Robert Louis Stevenson~
Angel Moms Newsletter-September 2004-(Printable Version)
Judi at:AngelShanesMom@aol.com
If you have something you would like included in next months newsletter, please e-mail Judi
Editor: Judi,
Staff: Toad (Carin), Deb, Debbie, Kelly, Chrissi, Lynn, Brenda
Angel Moms Web Site
