This month's featured mom is Elena Wise
Thank you all for giving me the honor of being the June Angel Mom! To begin with, I was born and raised in Illinois, but we moved to California when I was thirteen. Except for the 5 years when my husband was in the Air Force and we lived in North Dakota (and 6 months of that in Mississippi), I’ve lived here since then. I’ve always enjoyed traveling, though, and I do that every chance I get!
I’ve been a teacher for 17 years now, teaching 1st grade for 1 year, kindergarten for 11 years and now special education preschool for the past 5 years.
I was always such a happy person, with a positive outlook on life. People would even comment on how I was always smiling…I had a good family, two happy, healthy sons, a roof over my head and food…what more could anyone want that’s important in life?
Ian was my first born; such a joy and so easy going, that of course I wanted another one.
Matthew was a joy, but from the minute he was born (three and a half years after Ian), he was a challenge! He was an energizer bunny- he never wound down! He was a fireball of pure energy; the kind of kid who was interested in EVERYTHING, and he often said he wanted to be the kind of scientist who studied everything. He was such a BOY: into dirt, bugs, dinosaurs, etc… The summer before his senior year of high school, he had decided he wanted to be a veterinarian.
My Matthew taught me so much: through his enthusiastic eyes I saw the world and all its creatures in a new light. He motivated me, by his example, to lose 45 pounds through better diet and exercise. I figured if he could do it at the tender age of 13, then I should not only help him, but join him! Then life slapped me down as hard as it could when my precious Matthew became an Angel. I was out of the country, but he came to me…I didn’t realize it then, but I know it now for a fact. My husband could not get a hold of me, so I found out when I returned three days later.
My handsome, blue eyed Matthew, a 17 year old high school senior, who was such a powerhouse of energy, so full of love and life, had taken his own life…I also know now that he did so in a drunken stupor, out of fear of going to prison. In his intoxicated mind, he could see no way out of his predicament.
Luckily, someone I had recently met told me about his daughter who had lost her precious son Alex. She told me about Angel Moms and held my hand in person and over the internet, and helped me through the hellacious fog. Jen, I can never thank you enough for your patience and kindness, and you will always hold a special place in my heart!
Jen and Angel Moms saved my life. I know you all understand what I mean so I don’t need to go into that. Among the first to welcome me were Judi, Eydie, Loni, Toad, Reeny, and Miss Dolly. Some how with Sister Angel Moms holding my hand, I have made it this far along the devastating roller coaster ride none of us want to be on.
With the help of all my Angel Mom Sisters, I decided that I had to go on for my remaining son, and I have since decided that any future kids he may have will need a caring and loving Grandma!
Again, thank you, everyone! Love and hugs,
Elena, Maff’s Mom
A Dad Hurts Too
People don't always see the tears a dad cries,
His heart is broken too when his child dies,
He tries to hold it together and be strong,
Even though his world's gone wrong,
He holds his wife as her tears fall,
Comforts her through it all,
He goes through his day doing what he's supposed to do,
But a piece of his heart has been ripped away, a Dad hurts too,
So when he's alone he lets out his pain,
And his tears come like falling rain,
His world has crashed in around him,
And a world that was once bright has gone dim,
He feels he has to be strong for others,
But Dads hurt too, not just the Mothers,
He searches for answers but none are to be found,
He hides behind a mask when he is feeling down,
He smiles through his tears,
He struggles and holds in his fears,
But what you see on the outside is not always real,
Men don't always show how they really feel,
So I'd like to ask a favor of you,
The next time you see a mother hurting over the loss of her child,
please remember.....a Dad hurts too.
Judi Walker
Copyright 2002
Dedicated to my husband Mike
and all Dad's who have lost a child
I know for me and my journey with grief, I've not helped my 12 year old deal with his feelings on grief. A recent encounter brought those feelings to the surface for Zach. Our Zach has not showed signs of grieving, he's afraid too . He feels like if he does, he'll be called crazy , so he just wants to forget.
I've found some information for Kids and grieving that I wanted to share :
KIDS MIGHT SHOW GRIEF BY
physical pain, such as a headache or stomach ache
sleeping problems or bad dreams
eating problems (not eating or eating too much)
fear of being left alone
being naughty or mean to others
being very clingy (wanting to be near certain people)
easily upset
temper tantrums
blame themselves
THESE THINGS MIGHT HELP
Give clear and truthful information in a way that is at their level.
Encourage kids to show their feelings by letting them write a letter, a story, a poem, or drawing.
Share YOUR grief.
Kids will feel more normal about their own feelings if they see that you are sad too.
Allow them time to talk and ask questions and share worries. This helps stop muddled and scary feelings.
Tell them the physical side of death in a way they might understand.
Keep as many of the family routines and things they're used to as you can. Too many changes will add further stress.
It's okay to let me see that you are sad.
Provide a place or an outlet for them to go and think
Create a memorial, scrapbook, or special angel garden in memory of the sibling.
Information found at: www.cyh.com
Here is a great internet site for resources , not only for children but adults as well.
www.compassionbooks.com
A Walk Down Memory Lane:
A Tribute To Hope
This month I have decided to share with you a memory. This memory is not a longing of the heart as so many of us have, but a happy memory, a joyful time. On June 29, 1975 my oldest daughter arrived into this world, I named her Hope after a girl I went to school with in Ohio. Hope was born on a Sunday, weighing 7 lbs. 7 oz. and 21 inches long. The smallest of all my children. She arrived into a home of two very young parents who didn't have a clue what it would take to raise a child. But quickly learned just how expensive formula and diapers were. Hope was a first of everything, first grandchild, first niece and first to teach her parents what it meant to be a parent. Lots of sleepless nights, cause Hope like to be held when she was sleeping and lots of bed time stories as she grew led us to a beautiful young woman who has so much to offer. Hope is now getting ready to celebrate her 29th birthday, a mother for the first time herself. And married to a wonderful man, who happened to be her high school sweetheart. Hope grew up quickly, and matured mentally way before her time. She never gave her parents grief, never spoke back (and yes this is true even to today)! she was the child to help, do what she was told without question and looking back now I see what a lucky young Mom I was. This month I would like to say Thank You to Hope for allowing me to be a part of her life, letting me be her Mother, standing by while I made mistakes and never holding it against me. I am a very blessed Mom with a daughter that I love very much. Happy Birthday Hope !!
Love, Mom
Missed Milestones Graduations, birthdays, Holidays. Just a few of the things that go on in our lives now around us that we are faced with without our Angel Children. I don't have any words of wisdom, or any answers that will satisfy any AngelMom here, but I do have compassion for us all. Some of us lost our children before they got to be born, some of us lost our children before they got to walk or roll over. Some of us lost our children before they left for school. Some before they got to drive, work their first job, get their first crush. Some before they got to see their name on a High School Diploma, some before they got to marry and bare children. Milestones in the circle of life. Milestones that us parents look forward to. Teaching them to ride a bike, getting ready for Proms and Dances. Teaching them to drive, fill out work applications, watching them walk down the aisle with those smiling faces before they yank that cap off their heads to throw high into the sky with their fellow Graduates. Walk them down aisles for their Weddings. Milestones we miss. Milestones that even if we get to do with other children we have, we still don't get to do with our Angel Child. Some did get to do these Milestones with their Angel Child, but, we are never ready to give up our child. Never. We would love to be able to make more memories with our children. So today, I just want to say to all AngelMoms that I am sorry we are missing out on Milestones of Life. Even though we have a hard time seeing thru our grief at times, we need to always know that our Angels are really with us, even though we cannot see them. They might be that ray of sunshine that peeps thru, that little bird or butterfly, dragonfly or lightening bug or bee that buzzes past us. It might be the beautiful Rainbow, a dolphin swimming by or little puppy or cat that shows up on your doorstep. The phone might ring, a light flicker, many unexpected or unexplainable signs that our children are around us. Sometimes we look too hard for our signs. But they are around us. Summer is almost here, family vacations are being planned, family reunions, picnics, fun functions that we will attend, but we will be missing a part of our hearts at these functions. We will watch children run and play and laugh, but we will miss hearing and seeing our Angel among those children. Bless you all, AngelMoms. But know you are not alone.....we all understand here. Thank you Judi for giving us a place to vent, to cry and to scream. I know when I go out I have to put on my "mask", but here I can remove that mask and be me.........:)
Here it is June already, just as we get through May and Mother's Day, here comes June and Father's Day. There are a few males in my family who are very important to me, three more than any others. One is still here and two are gone, my son Shane and my Dad left this earth within a few years of each other, I still have my husband who is my rock, without him I don't know where I would be now. I would like to dedicate my section of the news letter to these three very important males in my life by sharing some poems I wrote for each of them. I will start with my Dad because he was the first man in my life and gave me so much in life. He was a wonderful Dad and was always there when I needed him. As an only daughter, I have to say I was spoiled by him, I was Daddy's Girl. My Dad died in a car accident on September 7, 1995.
Things Left Unsaid
Daddy, I miss you so much,
Your voice, your smile, your touch,
There are so many things I'd like to say to you,
So many things left to do,
Your death took us all by surprise,
There are so many things left unsaid when someone dies,
I wish I had said I love you,
I wish I had told you how much I appreciated you too,
All my life you were there for me,
You always worked hard to take care of your family,
I wish that I had told you that I was glad that you were my Dad,
When things are left unsaid, it's so sad,
I'm sorry I didn't say all things I wanted to say,
I thought there was time, there would be another day,
Thank you for always being there,
For your love, your laughter, for giving more than your share,
Thank you for your support, for all the sacrefices you made,
I love you Daddy and I'm so sorry for things left unsaid.
Judi Walker
Copyright 98
In memory of my Dad
Glynn Carpenter Sr
Shane.........the child who changed my life in so many ways. My first born, my only son. He became a father shortly before he left this earth. He had six months with his daughters, and in that short time, he was a wonderful father and so proud of his baby girls. He had one Father's Day with them, now they visit him at the cemetery on Father's Day.......
Our Daddy
Our Daddy is an angel in Heaven with Jesus
He's way, way up in the sky
We were little babies when he left us
And we don't understand why....
On Father's day we send balloons to Daddy
We blow kisses to Heaven and we wave
We love to do this, it makes us happy
We don't realize yet that not everybody's Daddy has a grave.
We bring our Daddy pretty flowers
We light candles for him on holidays
We see him in pictures and learn of him from others
We know he is still with us in many ways.
Our Daddy can't play with us like other Daddy's do
He can't wipe away our tears or kiss skinned knees
He can't teach us to ride our bikes or tie our shoes
He'll never read us bedtime stories.
There will be times we'll sound like him or we'll give you his smile
In us you'll hear his laugh if you listen close
There are times we act like him when he was a child
Because we are part of him and he is part of us.
Someday Mommy and MawMaw will have to explain
Why Daddy went away before we got to know him
Why he wasn't here for all the important things
Why do other kids have daddies, why aren't we like them?
Our Daddy loved us very much and he still does
Nothing can ever change that, cause a daddy's love is here and beyond
Our daddy may not have been able to stay here with us
But he is with us, we have a special bond.
Written by Judi Walker
June 2000
Now Mike, my husband, my friend, my rock..........we have been married for 21 years. When we married, Shane had just turned five years old. His biological dad had pretty well disappeared from his life. Mike and Shane bonded from day one, there was no "step" in their relationship, they were father and son. Mike and I have been through many rough times together and always seem to come out stronger for them. Even though we have two daughters together, Father's Day is still hard for him, he misses his son..........
You Were There
The day I married you,
I came to you with a small son,
I gave you my heart and him too,
And with us you became number one,
You raised him as your own
Loved him, guided him, you were his dad,
The best Dad he had ever known,
You were there for him through the good times and bad,
You had a bond that only father and son can share,
When he played ball, his biggest fan was you,
When he was sick or hurt, you were there,
You talked with him about mistakes he made,
You taught him things he needed to know,
He wanted to be just like you,
You gave him love, guidance and room to grow,
You did all the things only a REAL dad would do,
You were there when he took a wife,
There when he became a dad, smiling with pride,
You were a very big part of his life,
You were always there for him, right by his side
You taught him to do the best that he can
The years quickly flew by, as they often do,
Together we raised a fine young man
We could have never done it without you
You were there when I learned the Lord called him home
I was lost and didn't know what to do,
Our son was gone.....
You cried with me, hurt with me, your heart was broken too
You were there through all the hurt and pain
You were there though the confusion and the anger too
You stood by me when I did things I couldn't explain
I could have never made it without you,
You shared it all with me, you were there
I want to thank you for all you have done,
Thank you for being the man you are,
But most of all, thank you for loving our son.
Judi Walker
For Mike
June 2002
Since this month has Father's Day. I thought I'd share the book I just read. I think it would make a great Father's day present. We get the book for us, but it will benefit our husbands and our marriages for a life time. I really think husband should read it too. Even though it is called "The Proper Care & Feedings of Husbands" I think husbands will benefit from Dr. Laura Schlessinger's insight as well.
I bought the book even though I have a great marriage and am the perfect wife (my hubby says so) . I learned through having a failed 1st marriage that, Cinderella didn't live happily ever after, and prince charming really is a toad, and marriage, like children, is a lot of work, with no instructions!! This came as a BIG shock to me the first time around. I thought after the wedding nightmare, we all sailed off into the sunset and lived happily ever after, that bonding for life with a man was the hard part, the marriage thing would take care of itself. WRONG! Marriage and husband have to be nurtured, tended to, and made a priority, in our busy lives, or they fail, grow stagnate, or are an irritation.
I learned as women we really have all the power. With power comes responsibility, so the responsibility of our "happily ever after" mostly falls on us to achieve. We are the thermostat of a happy home life. You have heard the expression "If momma ain't happy no one is" ... Men are really putty in the hands of the women they love. They will give themselves to death for their loved ones. Give him direct communication, respect, appreciation, food, and good lovin', and he'll do just bout anything you wish-foolish or not.
I learned that men are VERY simple creatures, and are VERY different from us women. These differences need to be acknowledged, and appreciated for the way they complement and complete us. This book helps understand mens point of view, how they think, and how they feel... Yes, they do have feelings! They just don't express them the way we do. "Men are more likely to perceive their wives as being close, loving, and intimate when the wives wear something revealing to bed, make them a sandwich with a beer, or suggest that they go play some golf with their buddies. Women are more likely to perceive their husbands as being close, loving and intimate, when men do what they are told, or asked, give romantic gifts, or listen patiently without comment."
I will quote one other thing from the book that really hit home for me... "If your husband doesn't say all the flowery things you think he should, because you've seen too many chick flicks.. You should look at what he does. When he scrapes the ice off your car windshield, that is love-speak."
I hope you will read this book for Father's day and see the progress in your marriage, feel the power we posses, are happier, and see marriage as more of a blessing.
I know that loosing a child tests a marriage to the chore. We all have learned that men grieve differently that we do. If we can understand this, and validate his grieving process, even though different, or foreign to us this will create a bond between you and your husband that runs deeper than anything you have ever experienced. My husband completes me. I couldn't go on without his love and support. When I feel I've failed as a mother, he reminds me, I'm the only person he would entrust his children too. Happy Father's Day to all our angeldads.
School’s Out
June was always one of my favorite months. I always loved anticipating the end of the school year. It always seemed that I was getting as much of a break as the kids were. I didn’t have to worry about book reports, math quizzes and science projects. I didn’t have to frisk children for notes from teachers and permission slips. I could give up searching backpacks for gym clothes worn two months ago or fruit that had been tucked into their bag, in case of hunger, only to become wedged under the pounds of books and binders that they all seem to carry and forgotten. Then there was the summer when two of my kids were away at sleep away camp at the same time. The house stayed much cleaner and I didn’t need to do two loads of laundry every day. We could all relax a little and enjoy life at a tad slower pace. If food couldn’t be eaten cold or cooked on a grill, it wasn’t on the menu at our house. However, since I have always worked, it was just a tad slower. There was the press to make sure every child was busy for the summer with activities, fun activities, with some trips to the library thrown in. I always thought the library was fun-my children might argue about that. Scheduling camp physicals, arranging bus drop-offs became the topic of my May days, all in preparation for the summer.
This year I am down to arranging camp for one. The tennis camp that Mike, Chris and Matt all attended was sold last year and will be turned into a Multi-Million $$$ Mega-something. Matt’s summer is pretty full, but not complete. Memorial Day weekend, I’ll put the finishing touches on our plans. Matt will be a freshman in high school in the Fall and I wonder how many more of these Junes I will have. I will miss them. I will miss the ebb and flow. Because no matter what, nothing can top when your child loses both swim suits at camp and the Back to School sales are on and there isn’t a bathing suit in sight in the stores and of course they need one tomorrow, or by the way, did you get the purple T-shirt I need for tomorrow for a skit we are doing at Camp? What skit and what purple T-shirt? The five hour drives with trunks laden with old clothes, bug spray, mess kits and bungee cords, and the anxious moments as they casually hug you and you know they are scared to death, but putting on a brave face. The anxiously awaited and still cherished scribbled postcards and letters sent from camp and my quest for the best care package ingredients that I could find. My job is changing and I am not thrilled about it. Summers are the best part and they aren’t that long and they only come once a year.
I am on the verge of a very clean house and not that much laundry to handle. You wouldn’t think that I would sound wistful about dirty clothes and sand!
Be careful what you wish for, because you just might get it!
Happy Father’s Day to all and congratulations to the graduates!
Fathers Grieve Too
Most of the time, fathers are neglected grievers.. While we know a lot about grief now, people still aren't sure how to respond to a man's feelings. It's safer to ask how your wife is doing than to ask how you feel. And as a man, you have a lot of thoughts and feelings now.
You may feel: angry, depressed, lonely, hopeless, disappointed, confused, hurt, sad, afraid, out of control, confused, empty, guilty, helpless, like a failure, frustrated.
You may have times of real panic and worry about your family. You may have lost the confidence of being the Daddy who makes things right. And you may spend a lot of time asking yourself "Why?"
This can be one of the toughest times in your life, and its important to take care of yourself and the hurt you're feeling.
Every man is touched by tragedy at some time. You may find you need to be strong and take control. You may feel like you're talking care of everyone else, making all the arrangements and doing all the work. THis can be especially true as you make funeral arrangements and greet family and friends. After the funeral, though, people are likely to expect you to act as if nothing happened. One grief counsellor said "In our society we're allowed three days of grief...just through the memorial service." You never really "get over" your grief as you begin trying to get back to normal you may find your feelings popping up when you least expect them. Along with some feelings mentioned earlier:
You may feel like you're going through the motions of living. You may feel distant from people. And you may find yourself usually angry.
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Being Angry
Men and women grieve differently. Women have more permission to cry and talk. Men have more permission to be angry.
It's okay to be angry when your child dies. It's unfair, unjust and an angry situation. The biggest problem with anger is where to direct it. A lot of times dads do get angry at their wives and kids...just because they are around. When you think you're being angry for a long time or more often than you want, you may want to take a look at how you're directing your anger. Talking to another dad whose child has died, talking with your pastor, nurse, social worker or just a friend who can see things clearly can be helpful.
Talking
One of the things that can help your hurt is talking about your child. You have strong, cherished memories. You have memories of bad and good times and the actual experience of the death. When you don't talk about your child or your experiences and feelings your family may think you're cold and don't care. You may seem distant from each other and out of touch.
If you have trouble talking, you may want to do just a little each day with your wife or friends or both. Remember: Talking may lighten your pain, clear your anger and affirm your feelings.
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Working
This may be a time when you want to be careful about your work. You may find yourself using your job as way to cover up your feelngs. You may work until you become overly tired...hoping it will help you sleep. You may work to try to forget your grief when what you may need is someone to listen to you and show they care. Work can be a distraction and it can be a relief, but it is seldom a total solution to sadness. It can also be very frustrating.
You may find yourself: staring into space when you should be working, making more mistakes than usual, getting fed up when people ask about your wife, not getting the support and care you need.
Some of the support and care can come through your marriage.
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Your Marriage
A lot of people think a child's death makes couples closer. Actually the opposite can be true. You may both be so wiped out with your grief that you can't lean on each other. You may be scared about what's happening to each other and to your relationship. If that happens remember:
It's important to keep courting...even now. Talk about how you met. Remember how you fell in love. Share what you like about each other. Go out on a date, even if it's a short walk. Touch and hold each other. Realize you each grieve differently - respect each others way of grieving. Accept your first sexual sharing after the death as a warm, gentle caring that brings you close, affirms your tears and quiets your sadness.
See if your area has a group of parents who have experienced the deaht of a child. If so, go to at least one meeting. Just hearing other fathers talk can make a big difference in how you see your grief, your marriage, your work and yourself. If you're a single father, a group may be especially valuable to you.
- written by Rev. Terry Morgan, Chaplain James Cunningham, Dr. Ray Goldstein and Earl Katz
Acts Of Kindness
Acts of Kindness for May were presented to:
Judi Walker by Loni Wendt
Holly Wilson by Loni Wendt
The Act Of Kindness Award will be given to an AngelMom that was nominated for their kindness and thoughtfulness. It will not be a contest, it is "Thank You" kind of award. Anyone can be nominated. If someone has touched your heart by doing something special, please nominate them by emailing Debbie. There is no exclusions, everyone is included. We will list each member that has received an Award.
Angel Mom's Acts of Kindness
For those of you who like trivia, Dena has sent in some trivia questions. You can send your answers to her by clicking here: dayni22@yahoo.com
Now for the questions. Have fun and good luck!
1. The word ANGEL comes from the greek "angelos" which means ---------.
2. Angels were portrayed as males only until the ---- century.
3. Christianity, Islam, and ------- all embrace angels as a part of their traditional belief system.
4. This philosopher, ------ -------, insisted that God gave everyone their own guardian angel.
5. Can angels marry and have baby angels?
6. A tutelary angel is another name for a guardian angel. True or False?
7. The angels of the four winds of the earth are: Raphael, Gabrie, Uriel, and -------.
8. The study of angels is called ----------.
9.Which one of these 3 is NOT an archangel? Ariel, Metatron or Gargamel
10. An ancient race of giants on earth were believed to have been born from the unions of male angels and ----- -----.
EASY SQUASH CASSEROLE
Printed from COOKS.COM
2 lb. yellow squash, sliced1
med. onion, chopped
butter
1 egg, beaten
1/4 c. milk
1 c. grated sharp Cheddar cheese
Ritz crackers
Cook squash and onion in small amount of salted water; drain. Mash, add 1/3 stick butter. Add egg, milk and cheese to squash. Place in casserole. Top with Ritz crackers, dot with butter. Bake at 350 degrees for 30 minutes or until crackers are brown and mixture is bubbly.
BAKED SQUASH
Printed from COOKS.COM
1 (15 oz.) can squash
3 tbsp. butter, melted
2 tbsp. evaporated milk
2 tsp. instant minced onion
2 eggs
1/2 tsp. salt
Dash cayenne pepper
3 tbsp. brown sugar
10 Ritz crackers, crumbled
1 tbsp. butter
Drain squash. Mix all ingredients except Ritz crackers. Pour into 1 quart greased baking dish. On top sprinkle the crackers mixed with the butter. Bake uncovered at 375 degrees for 60 minutes.
Some Links To Share
Difficult Times
My Angel in Heaven
The First Step & Walking In Your Shoes
The human heart feels things the eyes cannot see,
and knows what the mind cannot understand.
--Robert Vallett
Angel Moms Newsletter-June 2004-(Printable Version)
Judi at:AngelShanesMom@aol.com
If you have something you would like included in next months newsletter, please e-mail Judi
Editor: Judi,
Staff: Toad (Carin), Deb, Debbie, Kelly, Chrissi, Lynn
Angel Moms Web Site
