(Karen's Grandaughter) |
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This month's featured mom is Valerie Rodriguez
I felt truly honored when I was told I was Angel Mom for November. I feel honored to be in such a caring and supportive group.Well, everyone knows me as just "Val." My son Charles was killed in a tragic boating accident Jan. 29, 2002, he was just 33 years old. The phone call I got telling me my son was dead will always echo in my mind forever. My son was a caring and compassionate man, who after high school joined the Marines and met his wife Cory. They married and had my two beautiful granddaughters Caylyn 11 and Crystal 10.
One day after work, he decided to go fishing, he lived in Chalmette, Louisiana and loved it down there. He went fishing after work, fell overboard and the propeller severed his vertebral artery.
I heard about Angel Moms on the John Edwards show one night. I thought, I need all the support I can get. After I joined, I felt like I belonged to this group through loss and gain. I gain wisdom from hearing from each of the moms and how they survive, which in turn gave me hope. To the new moms, you will survive this, it won't be easy but with each of us moms supporting one another, we will get through this together. So let us walk this road together hand in hand.
The picture above was taken one year before his death. Charles had come up to Michigan from Louisiana to attend his Dad's funeral. For some strange reason, I had the urge to take a lot of pictures.
Poetry Section
I LOST MY CHILD TODAY
I lost my child today
People came to weep and cry
As I just sat and stared, dry eyed.
They struggled to find words to say,
To try and make the pain go away,
I walked the floor in disbelief
I lost my child today
I lost my child last month
Most of the people went away,
Some still call and some still stay.
I wait to wake up from the dream.
This can't be real. I want to scream.
Yet everything is locked inside,
God, help me, I want to die.
I lost my child last year
Now people who had came, have gone,
I sit and struggle all day long,
To bear the pain so deep inside.
And now my friends just question, "Why?"
Why does this mother not move on?
Just sits and sings the same old song.
Good heavens, it has been so long.
I lost my child last year
Time has not moved on for me.
The numbness it has disappeared.
My eyes have now cried many tears.
I see the look upon your face,
"She must move on and leave this place."
Yet I am trapped right here in time.
The song's the same, as is the rhyme,
I lost my child....Today.
Author: Netta Wilson-1996
Written in memory of her daughter Cara
Used with permission
Cara's Page
From Chrissi's Desk
DO allow them to express as much unhappiness as they are feeling and willing to share with you. DO allow them to talk about their loss as much and as often as they want to. DO be available. to listen, to run errands, to help with the other children, or whatever else seems needed at the time. DO deal with the grieving individual gently and positively. DO encourage them to be patient with themselves and not to expect too much of themselves. DO encourage them to not impose any “shoulds” or “I should be” on themselves. DO give special attention to the child's brothers and sisters at the funeral and in the months to come (they are often in need of attention which their parents may not be able to give). DO let your genuine concern and caring show. DO offer specific help such as running errands, helping complete tax or medical forms, or helping to go through their loved one’s belonging. DO offer to be a friend. DO recognize that grieving has no time limit and varies from individual to individual both in the way they express their grief and the time required to stabilize. DO talk about your memories of the deceased child and the special qualities that made the child endearing. DO tell the family how sorry you are about the child’s death and about the pain they must be feeling. Acknowledge the death through visits, phone calls, sympathy cards, donations, and flowers. Remember important days such as birthdays, the death anniversary, Mother's Day, Father's Day, and any other significant day, which may be difficult for the bereaved. A telephone call, visit, or card means a great deal to a bereaved parent. Make specific offers to help, i.e. i. I am going to the store. What do you need? ii. Can I take your kids on Sunday afternoon? i. On Thursday I will be bringing by dinner for the family. ii. I will take your child to skating lessons on Sunday. iii. Can I come and baby-sit tomorrow evening to give you a break. iv. Do you want to get out tonight to talk, walk, or both. Offer to take the children to schools, birthday parties, and extra-curricular programs. Immediately following the loss, take charge of the household and inform family and friends of the tragedy, help answer the phone, help dress and feed the children (if applicable), and set up a meal plan. Call. Call often. When you call the bereaved, ask, "How are you doing today?" Appreciate that your bereaved relative or friend doesn't always return phone calls right away. Appreciate that nothing you say will ever make the bereaved parent sadder than the reality of what has happened to their child. Talk in your natural tone of voice. Remember that when you phone, even if it is to only leave a message, the bereaved feel comforted by your efforts. Tell the bereaved family how much you care. Remember it is usually the simple little things you say or do that mean so much. Listen. Continue to support bereaved parents well beyond the acute mourning period, even if it means years.. Congratulate the bereaved on good news while appreciating that they still carry a tremendous burden of grief. Find local support through bereavement groups, church, synagogue, bereavement organizations and forward the information to the bereaved family. Be sensitive that being in the presence of other children of similar age to the deceased may make the bereaved parent uncomfortable. Give the bereaved time to resume the activities they participated in before their loss. Know that effort of any kind is appreciated. Learn how to give good hugs. The bereaved need every heartfelt hug they can get. Expect your relationship with the bereaved to change. When you are bereaved, every relationship is affected in one way or another. Share your own good news with the bereaved. They still want to hear it. Say any of the following: i. Call me at any time if you ever need to talk. ii. I can't begin to imagine how you feel. iii. I am so sorry for your loss. Feed and walk the dog who has probably been forgotten about. Talk to your children about the loss. Talk to your children about death and the rituals surrounding death. Find the right time and the right materials to broach the discussion of loss and bereavement with your children. Consult with your libraries and bookstores for bereavement reading materials for children. Provide your surviving children with a picture of the departed child as a cherished momento. Give children the option to attend the funeral. Give children the option of visiting at the cemetery. |
DON’T change the subject when they mention their dead child. DON’T tell them what they should feel or do. DON'T avoid the bereaved parents because you are uncomfortable (being avoided by friends adds pain to an already painful experience.) DON'T let your friends, family or co-workers grieve alone. There is a tremendous sense of isolation and abandonment during the grief process. You can help by caring, by being there, and by being the best friend you can. DON'T make any comments which in any way suggest that their loss was their fault. DON’T point out that at least they have their other children (children are not interchangeable; they can not replace each other). DON'T say "Your loved one is waiting for you over there," "God wanted him," "It was God's will," or "God knows best." DON'T say “you can always have another child.” DON'T say “you should be coping or feeling better by now” or anything else which may seem judgmental about their progress in grieving. DON'T say that you know how they feel (unless you've experienced their loss yourself you probably don't know how they feel). DON'T suggest that they should be grateful for their other children. Grief over the loss of one child does not discount the parents’ love and appreciation of their living children. DON'T tell them not to cry. It hurts us to see them cry and makes us sad. But, by telling them not to cry, we are trying to take their grief away. DON'T tell them what they should feel or do. DON'T try to find something positive (e.g. a moral lesson, closer family ties, etc.) about the loss. Allow your own fears from preventing you from offering support to the bereaved. Fear that bringing up the dead child's name will create sadness. Say, "If you need anything call me" because the bereaved don't always know how to call and ask for your support. Be afraid if you make your bereaved friend or relative cry. Think that good news (family wedding, pregnancy, job promotion, etc.) cancels out grief. Have expectations for what bereaved parents should or should not be doing at different times in their grief. Forget the overlooked mourners (grandparents, uncles, aunt's, close friends etc.) who need your support too. Force bereaved people to talk about their loss. They will engage you when the time is right. Find yourself saying any of the following: i. It was God's will. ii. It was meant to be. iii. He's in a better place now. iv. Time heals all wounds. v. I know just how you feel. vi. You are still young enough to have more children. vii. Are you not over it yet? viii. At least you have other children. ix. Your child is in a better place. x. It was for the best. xi. Now you will have an angel in heaven. xii. It could have been worse... xiii. It's been ______ amount of time and you have to get on with your life. Expect grieving parents to be strong and don't compliment them if they seem to be strong. Tell a grieving parent how they should feel. Be afraid of reminding the parents about the child. They haven't forgotten. Be afraid to cry or laugh in front of the bereaved. Assume that when a grieving parent is laughing, they are over anything or grieving any less. Wait until you know the perfect thing to say. Just say whatever is in your heart or say nothing at all. Sometimes just being there is comfort enough. Underestimate the impact of grief on children. Children understand and retain a lot more than they may show. Think that children are too young to appreciate loss or death. |
From Deb's Desk
Pilgrim Bear Blocks
This craft has so many possibilities, you can do it for Thanksgiving, Christmas or any holiday. Use your imagination and change the wording to Happy Holidays, Happy Birthday, Merry Christmas..etc... the little bears are in most craft depts for less than a dollar and depending on your words you can glue on birthday balloons, greenery ... the possibilities are endless. Enjoy!!!!!
Pilgrim Bear Blocks
From Debbie's Desk
Grieving and the Holidays
Well, it is here, soon, too soon. Thanksgiving. The holiday where everyone sits around the family tables, adults at one or 2, children all laughing at smaller tables. Laughing, talking, playing and eating. Sharing, exchanging memories and smiling. Does anyone remember that your family is minus one this year? Maybe the first Thanksgiving, maybe your 3rd, 8th, or 12th Thanksgiving? Does it really matter what year it is when your child isn't sitting at that table with you? Did anyone ask if there is something special they can do to remember your child this year? An empty place sitting? A candle burning? Did you offer to do something instead? Or are you going to sit silently, grieving alone this year because no one knows what to do. I am sure they miss your child too, but not like we miss our children. They can't. Yes, it is a loss to them, no doubt, but it is a huge hole in our heart and soul for our child to be gone. So whether you are fortunate enough to have someone remember your child this Thanksgiving, or you are strong enough to maybe bring a candle to the dinner and light it or something else in honor of them, know you are not really alone because you are in a large group of AngelMoms that are feeling the exact same way you are on Thanksgiving. Think of someone in group maybe that you are friendly with, make a pact possibly to have a special email or a phone call at a certain time on that day. Do something different maybe this year, start new traditions, go somewhere different. One thing my family always knows to do is take out the Turkey wishbone and I will clean it and take it to Josh's resting place and stick it in the ground because that was always our tradition to break the bone together, so even though he isn't here to help me do this now, I take it to him. This is my 7th Thanksgiving without Josh, and my family still knows to do this, thankfully. Do what you can, when you can, with the Holidays. It is your life and your heart you are dealing with. But know you are not alone.......have a peaceful as possible Thanksgiving.
When you are grieving it is all right to...
Scream in the shower, yell in the car, cry anywhere you like.
Misplace your glasses, the car keys and the car.
Put milk in the cupboard, toilet paper in the refrigerator, and ice cream in the oven.
Beat up the pillow, stomp on the ground, and throw stones in the lake.
Change grocery stores if it hurts.
Wear one black shoe and one navy, have tear stains on your tie.
Talk to your pets -- they understand.
Leave the room the way you want it, for as long as you want it.
Say your loved one's name out loud.
Tell others what you need.
Say no when you feel like it.
Cancel plans.
Have a bad day.
It's all right to hurt.
And one day when you are ready, it's all right to......
Laugh again.
Dance and have a good time.
Look forward to tomorrow.
Sing in the shower and smile at friend's new baby.
Go a day, a week and even a month without crying.
Celebrate the holidays, forgive those who failed you.
Learn something new.
Look at pictures and remember with happiness instead of pain.
Cherish the memories and love again.
author unknown...
From Judi's Desk
The holidays are approaching another reminder of our children who are no longer with us. The holidays were always a special time in our house and the planning of them was always well advanced. Since losing Shane, it is no longer like that for me. There is a dread that comes over me as they approach now. Nothing is the same, my family is no longer complete.......
I have so many wonderful memories of the holidays with Shane. The togetherness, the love and the laughter. I feel guilty because I don't love the holidays like I used to. I want my daughters and granddaughters to have the wonderful memories we had before and to have fun like we did before. I want them to feel just as important as Shane, because they are. So I have decided this year to be thankful for the things I have and not just focus on what I have lost. I know it won't be easy because of the empty plates at our Thanksgiving table, but I know it is what Shane would want me to do for his daughters, his sisters and his dad.
Even though l have a lot of sadness in my life, I do have a lot to be thankful for. I have a loving husband, great daughters, wonderful friends, a home and I had 19 years filled with love and laughter with Shane and also two beautiful little girls who are a part of him. So along with the sadness this year, I am going to find some joy in the holidays and I am praying for the same for all of you.
We are happy to welcome Lynn Scarpati to our newsletter staff.
From Lynn's Desk
“When life serves up lemons, make lemonade.” I have been telling my children this same thing for years. My belief in this philosophy has been tested by a bumper crop of lemons the size of basketballs. When we lost Mike, I struggled with this. How can you make lemonade when your world is falling apart? And who cares? We all have to care. The act of making the lemonade has been more therapeutic than I could ever have known. Many of the AngelMoms can tell you their own stories. I have been inspired by their actions from random acts of kindness to more structured efforts. I think Former First Lady Barbara Bush best summed up my feeling. She and Former President George Bush are the parents of Robin, who died of leukemia before her fourth birthday. Mrs. Bush said that if you don’t make something positive happen because of this precious life, then it is a life wasted.
With the holiday season approaching (some may feel looming), try to make some lemonade. You and your family will certainly feel better. Do it in tribute to the precious life that you enjoyed for a second or decades and now desperately miss. I know that I was unprepared for how happy doing something for someone else in Mike’s name could make me. I thought I was doing the “good deed”. My family and I reaped more rewards than we could ever have imagined.
Mr. and Mrs. Bush lost their daughter at least 40 years ago. There is still pain in her voice. I have to face it, there is no closure or getting over it. There is just figuring out how to get on with it. Our family will celebrate Thanksgiving in Florida, just as we did on the last Thanksgiving we had with Mike. He loved Florida.
We all have a lot to be thankful for-sometimes you have to squeeze a few lemons to remember how blessed we truly are. Have a wonderful Thanksgiving!
From Toad's Desk
NOVEMBER
There’s a definite change in the air these days. The days and nights are getting cooler, the leaves in some locations are starting to change to their vibrant fall colors, Thanksgiving is coming up heralding the start of the “Holiday Season”. All is as it should be…or is it? There’s something missing!
Most moms of Angels (and their families) find the next couple of months the most difficult, the hardest to “get through”, the worst to survive! It is at this time of year that some of us think of our children the most. I mean, really, what do we have to be “thankful” for? We have survived the most horrendous experience that any mother can, the death of our child, and we’re still supposed to show everyone else that we’re thankful?
Yes, in my opinion, we can be thankful. We got a chance however long or short, to be a part of a very special life. It was a life that was lent to us, to learn from and to love.
Each one of these very special children came to us for a reason, to teach us something, whether it be how to be happy, to learn how to truly give to another human being or maybe to learn how to love from the very depths of our souls. Our children have taught us, through their deaths, just how strong we are, that we are survivors and we can continue on in our “new normal”. I expect that a lot of us will shed many tears over the next few weeks, but that’s okay, tears are healing, tears are the way that our souls mourn for our lost children.
Our children will be around us the upcoming holiday season, they’ll do their best to let us know that they’re happy and would very much like us to be the same way, as difficult as it seems to some.
Just know that you won’t be crying alone.
Acts Of Kindness
Acts of Kindness for September were presented to:
Heidi Langdon by Kelly Dalbec
The Act Of Kindness Award will be given to an AngelMom that was nominated for their kindness and thoughtfulness. It will not be a contest, it is "Thank You" kind of award. Anyone can be nominated. If someone has touched your heart by doing something special, please nominate them by emailing Debbie. There is no exclusions, everyone is included. We will list each member that has received an Award.
Angel Mom's Acts of Kindness
Beyond Surviving: Suggestions for Survivors
by Iris M. Bolton
1. Know you can survive. You may not think so, but you can.
2. Struggle with "why" it happened until you no longer need to know "why" or until you are satisfied with partial answers.
3. Know you may feel overwhelmed by the intensity of your feelings but all your feelings are normal.
4. Anger, guilt, confusion, forgetfulness are common responses. You are not crazy, your are in mourning.
5. Be aware you may feel appropriate anger at the person, at the world, at God, at yourself. It's okay to express it.
6. You may feel guilty for what you think you did or did not do. Guilt can turn into regret, through forgiveness.
7. Having suicidal thoughts is common. It does not mean that you will act on those thoughts.
8. Remember to take one moment or one day at a time.
9. Find a good listener with whom to share. Call someone if you need to talk.
10. Don't be afraid to cry. Tears are healing.
11. Give yourself time to heal.
12. Remember, the choice was not yours. No one is the sole influence in another's life.
13. Expect setbacks. If emotions return like a tidal wave, you may only be experiencing a remnant of grief, an unfinished piece.
14. Try to put off major decisions.
15. Give yourself permission to get professional help.
16. Be aware of the pain of your family and friends.
17. Be patient with yourself and others who may not understand.
18. Set your own limits and learn to say no.
19. Steer clear of people who want to tell you what or how to feel.
20. Know that there are support groups that can be helpful, such as Compassionate Friends or Survivors of Suicide groups. If not, ask a professional to start one.
21. Call on your personal faith to help you through.
22. It is common to experience physical reactions to your grief, e.g., headaches, loss of appetite, inability to sleep.
23. The willingness to laugh with others and at yourself is healing.
24. Wear out your questions, anger, guilt, or other feelings until you can let them go. Letting go doesn't mean forgetting.
25. Know that you will never be the same again, but you can survive and even go beyond just surviving.
Reprinted with permission from Suicide and its Aftermath
(Dunne, McIntosh, Dunne-Maxim, Norton and Co., 1987)
My daughter wrote this poem for Shane and I wanted to share it with all of you.
Rainbow
There was a rainbow
Stretched across the sky
with all it's bright colors
it's sure to catch your eye
Rainbows bring me memories
Of my brother Shane
An angel sliding down
Just after a summer's rain
When I see a rainbow
I always think of him
I watch it in my mind
Just like a short film
When I start to miss him
He sends me down a rainbow
Telling me that he loves me
Just as much as long ago
When I see a rainbow
Stretched across the sky
I remember him
And then I start to cry.
Laurie Walker
For Shane
Copyright Oct. 2003
Submitted by Judi Walker (Shane's Mom)
"Anyone can carry his burden, however hard, until nightfall.
Anyone can do his work, however hard, for one day.
Anyone can live sweetly, patiently, lovingly, purely, till the sun goes down.
And this is all life really means."
Robert Louis Stevenson
Submitted by Nancy Tuttle (Chris' Mom)
Some Links To Share
Right Now
A Call To God
A Prayer For You
A Beautiful Prayer
Calendar for November
| November 1 November 2 November 6 November 10 November 11 November 11 November 13 November 13 November 17 November 22 November 27 |
All Saints Day All Souls Day Ramadan Remembrance Day (UK) Veterans Day Remembrance Day (Canada) World Kindness Day National Mom's and Dad's Day World Peace Day Stop the Violence Day Thanksgiving Day |
" Always remember, that if you ever need a helping hand, just open up your heart to others and you will find one at the end of your arm...and as you grow older and wiser you will find that you really have three hands my friends. One for helping yourself in times of stress and trouble, the other for helping friends and family when called upon, and the third to help pull up those we do and do not know without hesitation in their times of dire need"
By Scott Weinstein
Angel Moms Newsletter-November 2003-(Printable Version)
Judi at:AngelShanesMom@aol.com
If you have something you would like included in next months newsletter, please e-mail Judi
Editor: Judi,
Staff: Toad (Carin), Deb, Debbie, Kelly, Chrissi, Lynn
Angel Moms Web Site
